I've thought about you everyday since you left but I've been thinking about you a lot more the past couple of weeks. Everyday when Matthew asks me to sing Twinkle, Twinkle, I think about you. It almost seems wrong singing it because I can only think of Cassidy's face and how she'll never hear you sing it again. But I think you would want me to sing to Matthew so I do it. Everyday when I put on my pearl earrings I think of you. I lost one yesterday which has never happened before - I wonder if that means something... My friend is having a baby and was asking me breastfeeding questions and I thought of how you helped me when I was having such a difficult time breastfeeding. And I think of you showing me your C-section scar on your mom's deck while we were drinking mimosas. Such random thoughts but I cherish them anyway.
I miss big things like your smile and your style but mostly I just miss the day-to-day little things like asking you financial planning advice and complimenting you on your cute shoes and asking you what you did when Cassidy bit a classmate at daycare or when she wouldn't sleep. I usually don't like taking parenting advice cuz I'd rather just figure it out on my own but you were my only family member that was actually doing it at the same time as me so I always tried your recommendations. You'd always emailed me back the same day and usually multiple times during the day from work which I thought was cute cuz I knew you were so busy. I really wish I'd kept all of our emails - I didn't know you weren't going to be here to email with me...
I'm so happy to finally have this picture of us. I think it was one of the last ones taken and maybe one of the only ones of the two of us with both of our children. We were up until like 4 or 5 in the morning talking and when our kids got up at the crack of dawn, we still got up with them. We were exhausted and this picture definitely shows it but Debra was doing her regular photo session thing and wouldn't let us escape without a picture :) Of course now I'm so happy she took it even though we look like crap...but definitely happy. That morning we were giving Matthew and Cassidy a bath together and Matthew stood up in the tub and you said, "no, no Matthew. You have to sit down in the bath." And before either of us knew it, he leaned over and slid right out of the tub like it was a water slide! The two of us were half scared that he was hurt and half laughing our heads off cuz it was so funny. I think your mom has a video of the whole thing - of course! The night we spent hours talking and the following morning spending time with our kids together is my favorite set of memories with you. I'm so happy I took full advantage of the last time I got to see you. I wish we'd done that years ago but no regrets, just happy memories.
On Saturday we're going to light your candle holder (yes, I finally put it up in the new house!) and Joe and I will tell each other stories about you and Meredith and the rest of our crazy family. We'll show Matthew pictures of you and tell him how wonderful you were and how some day soon he'll get to play with his cousin Cassidy. I know you'd want us to smile and remember the good stuff so that's what we're going to do. We try not to be angry but some days it's hard. We do our best to honor your memory and we are pretty sure that means to keep smiling and keep kissing Matthew and keep enjoying life.
Now you are our Twinkling Little Star and for some reason that's comforting.
Miss you,
Eri
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